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  I couldn’t have been too far under the water, as I could hear the din of Alex shouting. I straightened my body, hoping to come up on my back like a plank of wood as instructed, but I was so disoriented I couldn’t tell if I was faceup or facedown. I started to panic as I sensed myself moving with the current. I had no idea what direction it was taking me. My arms began to flail as my legs fought against the direction I was going. My head whipped to one side, colliding with yet another rock. I was overcome with sheer terror.

  Then everything went dark. WHEN I woke, Alex was sitting on a chair next to my bed, hunched over with his hands covering his face. His shoulders appeared to shudder. I couldn’t deduce whether he was laughing hysterically or weeping uncontrollably. Now conscious, I let out a moan as I started to feel the dull pounding in my head. Alex dropped his hands and looked at me through damp, swollen eyes.

  “Thank God,” he said, rushing forward and taking my hand. “Thank God.”

  109The door to the room opened, and a female doctor in a

  white coat walked in with a clipboard and pen. She seemed far less concerned than Alex. “Ah, Mr. Holland,” she said in a light, brisk tone. “I see your partner has finally woken his prince from the deep sleep!

  Alex squeezed my hand hard, then released it. It was more of a signal than affection.

  The doctor pointed her pen to Alex. “He’s been in everyone’s way. Refused to leave your side,” she said kindly. “All a bit silly, really, for just a bump on the head.”

  “What happened?” I asked, pulling myself up into a sitting position. The movement caused a jackhammer to go off in my head.

  “You went under the water,” Alex began. “I knocked you in by accident. The instructor couldn’t see what was happening at first, since I ended up knocking into him when you went over. I started shouting, so he tried to turn around to get you. But the current was too strong to turn the raft. Another one of the guys and I jumped in after you. We dragged you to the bank by your lifejacket. You were still unconscious when the ambulance finally arrived.”

  I put my hand up to my head but felt no bandages. “But I was wearing a helmet.”

  “The helmet protected your head, no doubt,” the doctor said. “But it can only help so much when your head takes a sharp impact against a rock. The knock still rendered you unconscious. You should be fine, but we’ll keep you for observation overnight just to be on the safe side.” The doctor gave me a kind smile and left the room.

  110“You know, there are better ways to ensure we wouldn’t

  have to share a bed,” I said to Alex, who still looked concerned. He let out a booming laugh of relief. I felt bad for thinking it, but I couldn’t help feeling his reaction was a little over the top. I understood he was relieved I was okay, but his tears started to flow again as he wound down to a chuckle. I felt terrible that I worried him, but didn’t think it warranted him reacting this strongly.

  “I’m sorry I’ve messed up the weekend,” I said, resting my head back onto the pillow.

  Alex got out of the chair and kissed me tenderly on the forehead. “You haven’t messed up anything.”

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  Chapter Nine

  Sunday, May 14, 2017 I WAS released from the hospital the following morning. I hardly slept during the night. Once I convinced Alex I was okay, he finally surrendered and went back to the hotel at my insistence. I was sure he would have stayed by my side all night if I’d given even the slightest hint that I didn’t want to be alone. But the fact was, I did want to be alone. The medication to help reduce the swelling in my head hadn’t kicked in, and his talking and my constant reassurances that I would be okay did nothing to help. I was incredibly grateful he cared, but I just wanted to sleep. Unfortunately, sleep was elusive. Between the dull aching and the odd dreams of swirling water, I didn’t get much rest.

  Alex insisted I ride in the wheelchair and pushed me out to the car. I told him it wasn’t necessary, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Feeling like a geriatric patient, I clutched my backpack in my lap as he wheeled me to the rental car.

  We began the journey back to the city and were both lighthearted. I peered around to the backseat and thought Alex must have bought one of every single item from the gift shop that was emblazoned with I Survived Black River Gorge. At first, I thought it a rather expensive joke.

  112“Hey, don’t look at me! The rafting company insisted on

  giving it all to us for free, hoping you’ll give a good review, despite your encounter with death!” I laughed, and we continued to make light conversation for a while. But about two hours into the drive, Alex suddenly grew quiet. I thought he was still emotional over my injury, so I reached over and put a hand on his knee. “Thanks again for pulling me out of the river. I’m sorry I worried you.”

  He gave me a brief smile, squeezed my hand, but then returned it to my own knee. I felt a little slighted. It was almost 180 degrees from the way he behaved the day before. I was reminded of Richard’s sudden shifts and how he acted like my touch was poisonous. All my insecurities returned in an instant.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so familiar,” I said with a degree of embarrassment.

  “No! No, no. I’m sorry,” Alex said, shaking his head. He was still watching the road, but his deep breaths and slow blinking warned me he was about to confess something— something I was sure I didn’t want to hear. I steeled myself for the list of personality or physical attributes he didn’t like about me. Maybe it would be the same list Richard never had the balls to tell me himself.

  Alex wiped the palm of his hand across his eyes. He obviously was very uncomfortable. “I like you, Dominic. I really do. I know we haven’t known each other too long, but I think a lot of you. You’re funny, good-natured, and damn, you’re hot. But—”

  “Really, there’s no need to explain,” I interrupted. I decided I’d rather not hear the rest.

  “No, I do need to explain. It’s just… it’s just hard.”

  113I sat silently. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to

  prepare myself for whatever fault he was about to point out. A small part of me yearned to know. I believed for a moment that Alex could finally give me the explanation Richard had always withheld. But when he spoke, the subject wasn’t about me.

  “I was with someone. His name was Ted. We met eleven years ago when we were both new to the city and starting our careers. I was a small-time journalist back then, and he worked in the Financial District as a junior stockbroker.”

  Alex sighed through a smile, but I could see his eyes begin to well. “I can’t tell you how much I loved him. He was absolutely everything to me. No matter how hard things got in every other aspect of my life or career, Ted was there by my side making everything okay. We moved in together after only a short while, and those were the best goddamn years of my life.”

  I suddenly felt very guilty for thinking his earlier reactions were all about me.

  “Then, seven years ago, in 2010, we decided to make it official and get married. We both wanted kids so badly. We started to explore the processes of adoption or surrogacy. Ted was so excited, and I just knew he’d be a terrific dad.”

  A tear fell from his cheek. He wiped it away quickly, as though its absence would help him maintain composure. “Despite all of our attempts, rallies, and petitions to achieve marriage equality in New York, it was blocked by the right wingers in the state Senate because of… well, let’s just say they had influential people nudging them to vote against it. This was a couple of years before Obama came out for gay

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  marriage. One of our alternatives was to head up to Boston, where gay marriage had been legal for several years. It may not have been recognized at the time in New York, but we were both kind of old-fashioned and wanted to marry before we started our family.”

  I gave him a warm smile, and encouraged him to continue. “The whole event was planned. Our parents and brothers and sisters had all been incredibly sup
portive. My family lived in California and Ted’s lived in Arizona. They and our friends all booked their tickets and everyone was excited. But no one more than Ted and I.”

  He paused. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t press him. A moment passed, and he continued.

  “Then, three days before we were due to fly to Massachusetts, there was a gas explosion in one of the new constructions in Midtown. The explosion blew through a wall and pieces of it rained down on the street below. Ted had just collected our wedding rings and was in a crosswalk when a car swerved to avoid the falling debris.”

  Tears rolled down his cheeks. I was dumbstruck.

  “Oh my God, Alex. I’m so sorry.”

  He paused to collect himself, then went on. “I was at work when I got the call from the hospital. I was the one who ordered the rings, Ted was just collecting them. They found the receipt in his pocket with my number on it, so they called looking for a family contact. They told me that he was still alive, but he was in a serious condition. I rushed to the hospital, praying they’d made a mistake somehow. But as I reached the ER, I saw a nurse bring through a bloody shirt

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  that they had cut off of him. It was a shirt I’d bought him for his birthday. “But the doctors wouldn’t let me get any closer and wouldn’t give me any information. I wasn’t considered family. They wouldn’t even let me see him. I gave them Ted’s parents’ telephone number to contact them, hoping they’d give permission for me to see him in the ICU after they stabilized him, but the call went to their voice mail.

  “I pleaded, argued, shouted, and screamed at them for an hour, but nothing worked. The hospital had security restrain me and called the police. Ted died just as they arrived.”

  I felt a tear fall down my own cheek. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must have been,” I said, remembering how the doctor at the hospital called Alex my partner. He must have lied to them so he could stay by my side. The law of allowing gay men and women access to the bedsides of partners had changed in the past few years in America, but unfortunately, not in time for Alex and Ted.

  “I’m so sorry,” Alex said. “I honestly thought I was coming to terms with his death. I’ve started to try and date again, but it’s been a disaster. I’d forgotten how hard it is to meet a guy and truly connect with him. It’s been six years, but I still miss Ted so much, every single day. Being at the hospital yesterday with you reminded me of it all. It showed me that I’m just not ready to be with anyone else. It’s still too painful.”

  I nodded to show I understood.

  We sat in silence for a while as our view of nature faded and was slowly replaced with more and more buildings. Finally, the Manhattan skyline came into view.

  116Alex reached over and touched my knee. “I really am

  sorry. I feel like I’ve led you on, and I really didn’t mean to.” He paused for a moment. “Actually, no, I know I was definitely encouraging you. Honestly, I thought we could have something. I don’t know what, and I know this was kind of our first date, but I really like you and thought it just might lead somewhere. I didn’t realize where it would lead me. You really are a great guy, Dominic, and anyone would be lucky to have you. I just don’t think I’m ready to be that someone yet.”

  “It’s okay. Really, I understand. To be honest with you, it’s a kind of relief.” “Oh,” he said with a look of disappointment. My words had stung, which I hadn’t intended at all.

  “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like that,” I said defensively. “Look, I don’t want to repeat the compliments you just gave me, since it would sound insincere. But I feel the same way about you.”

  Alex looked confused. Now it was my turn to explain.

  “Before I came to America, I, too, was in a long-term relationship. It ended very badly and left my confidence pretty damaged. I didn’t realize exactly how much until I was away from the situation, but everything is clearer in hindsight. I think you’re more than a great guy, Alex. I was so incredibly flattered when you showed even a hint of interest in me. That alone repaired a lot of the damage my ex inflicted. But I think we’re in similar circumstances. It seems neither of us is ready for a new relationship.

  “Please, don’t get me wrong. In the scheme of things, my story sounds almost ridiculous compared to yours. I can’t imagine the heartache and sense of loss. And, in a way, I feel

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  foolish for the comparison.” I didn’t want him to feel as though I thought the two were even in the same category. “No, don’t feel like that. In a way, I’m relieved, too. The last thing I’d want to do is hurt you, Dominic.”

  “I know, and the fact that you understand what I’m saying and have been honest with me makes you even more the perfect guy.” I waited a split second before exclaiming, “Damn you!”

  The heavy atmosphere lifted with his laughter.

  It was good to see him smile. “I’m just getting my head around my new life. I can live without a relationship with the perfect guy right now, but I’d love to have a perfect friend.”

  Alex pulled the car over on the side of the road. I was confused, but he turned to me and said, “Jump out.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Just do it!”

  I got out of the car, wondering what was going on, as a stream of cars hurtled past us on the road.

  Alex climbed out of the driver’s side and walked around to where I stood looking puzzled. Without a word, he hugged me. He held me tight, like he was trying to get a thousand unsaid words into this one hug. “Thank you,” he whispered into my ear.

  He released me and we smiled at each other. Before he headed back to the car, I patted his chest to acknowledge the teddy bear that slept on his heart.

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  Chapter Ten

  Wednesday, May 17, 2017

  “WHAT are you doing tomorrow night, my love?” Jackie

  asked as she readied herself for a lunch date with Martin. “Will you be free?” “I’m not too sure, to be honest, Jackie. My best friend from London arrives in town today, so I’ll probably be showing him around the city. Why? Another charity ball?”

  “No, I have a couple of extra tickets to a hockey game tomorrow evening. Martin is going to have to work late again, so you and your friend are welcome to join me.”

  “I’m not too sure he’s into ice hockey. Do we even play it in Britain?”

  “If we do, I never saw it. But it’s going to be at Madison Square Garden, so if nothing else, he’ll be able to say he’s been to a New York landmark. It might be exciting for him.”

  “That’s true. I’m seeing him this evening after work, so I’ll run it by him. Are you sure you don’t mind him coming along?”

  “Of course not. Tell him to come sober, as there will be copious amounts of beer afterward.”

  “In that case, I’m sure he’ll agree.”

  Jackie cocked her head to one side. “How are things between you and Alex?”

  119“Okay, I think, considering what we told each other. I

  thought there might be some kind of awkwardness between us. I mean, we basically admitted we had feelings for each other that went beyond friendship. But the timing just isn’t right.”

  “Are you disappointed?”

  “I’m attracted to a friend. I can cope with that, for now. So long as it doesn’t become awkward. I really do think a lot of him.”

  Jackie rolled her eyes, though I wasn’t sure if it was out of exasperation with me or my situation.

  THE first sight of Callum brought joy to my heart. He was ambling down the street with a bag hooked across his shoulder. He looked fresh faced and excited, even though he had just come off a long flight from London. When he saw me sitting outside the Viceroy restaurant, he threw his arms up and rushed toward me.

  “You look great!” he cried. He pushed me back from our hug and looked me up and down. “Looks like this place is treating you well.”

  We ordered dri
nks and caught up as though it had been decades since we last saw each other. Halfway through our first beer, we were already relaxed and talking the way we did years ago, when we could talk utter nonsense and still make each other laugh with ridiculous catchphrases and inside jokes only two best friends share.

  There was a real happiness in the way he spoke. It lit up his face and reminded me of our younger days. We caught up on everything that had happened in the past few years

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  and reminisced about old times, when we were club kids making our way around London in our early twenties. I could barely speak through the laughter.

  I told him about Alex and the situation we’d found ourselves in. When I spoke of him, I kept saying, “You would really like him,” after every new detail. I knew I sounded ridiculous. It was obvious that I really liked him, perhaps even more so after his confession. But it was useless, and we’d both already said where we stood.

  “Maybe one day you’ll get together when it’s the right time,” Callum said encouragingly. “But I think you’re being sensible right now. You don’t want to rush into something so soon.”

  “Maybe. I hope so,” I said honestly. I went on to tell about the silver-haired man. As I explained all the sordid details, Callum went from flabbergasted, to impressed, to not being able to keep a grip on his glass from laughing so much.

  The beers flowed, and we moved on to other subjects. The alcohol warmed me, and I could feel my emotions brimming to the surface, threatening to take hold of me.